Children and Closets.....

working through it all......

I'm getting married in less than a month to a wonderful man.  We both share the heartache of love and loss, and we both have remarkable families and friends that have supported us through it all.  We are counted among the lucky in this regard.

As the day get closer and closer to becoming a wife again, there are things that must be worked through.  One thing in particular was working through the process of letting go....again.

In the days, weeks and months that followed Steve's passing I found myself standing in the doorway of our walk-in closet, looking at the clothes that Steve used to give life to.  Two shirts in particular stood out under such scrutiny.  One is a blue and white button down that he wore the first time he took me out.  The second one is a red plaid button down that he wore in some of our fun engagement pictures and quite possibly every week since then until he passed away.  They spoke of memories, of happiness, of quiet moments tucked safely within his arms as tears soaked through to the skin.  Those clothes helped in being the keeper of Steve's memories for our family.

After a conversation with our Bishop today I realized that I was standing & moving.  That I had gone beyond just surviving.  I am living.  I am loving.  I am back.  When I said a heartfelt "Yes!" nearly two weeks ago, I chose life and love and happiness and new memories that are flavored by past joys. With this epiphany came the realization that I could not hold onto what was in hopes that it could once again be what is.  What is can have joy.  It can.  It does.  It is joyous.

At dinner I asked the boys what they thought about going through Dad's closet.  My oldest answered, "I'm ready."   My youngest said, "Me too!"  My second child merely looked back at me with wide eyes and slowly nodded.  I explained to them that they could have whatever they desired: ties, t-shirts, shoes, sweaters, anything- but to remember that these were merely things.  Their dad's love went beyond ties, t-shirts, shoes, sweaters and anything that was to be found in that closet.  We began with a prayer.  In it was the key to the peace that was found.

We knelt/sat down on the cream carpeting and began with the ties.  One by one their new owners claimed them.  Each tie brought about a new story of origin or use.  Each tie brought about a smile, or teary eyes.  We then moved onto the t-shirts.  Each boy collected 7 to 9 shirts to be used later in his own, unique quilt.  They then chose a couple of extra shirts to wear to bed if they wanted.  Then my oldest said, "The rest should go to dad's brothers if they want."  I gulped down the lump in my throat as each son nodded solemnly.  A text was sent out regarding such and we continued on through pajama pants, shorts, jeans, slacks, button downs, hoodies, shoes, belts. and all the items that make-up the wardrobe of a well loved man.

My favorite moments were when a shirt was pulled from the rack and stories tumbled out over the top of each other.  Each child remembering something different, or stories that overlapped in general idea but separate in details.  It was beautiful and healing.  It was exactly the right thing for this night.

Sitting in the corner of my room now are 5 large, black lawn bags.  Gazing back into the closet I realized something very profound.  In this life, Steve's things took up very little physical space. However, his life continues to consume vast eternities in my heart and the hearts of his children, family and friends.  It is remarkable how content he was to let me sprawl throughout the house of our dreams while he quietly rejoiced in the laughter of his children & the love of the Gospel; taking up very little space but leaving the largest of impacts.

It is because of his goodness and our shared life that I can love again.  It is because of the joy that I find in remembering the way he looked in each shirt in that closet and the twinkle in his eyes when they met mine that I am fearless in giving my newly healed heart to another.  What we have is eternal and I am secure in that knowledge.  I am also grateful for the patience and love of another who sees the need to work it through and understands the value of the process.

Children and closets- typically incomparable, but tonight both very good for this soul.

All my love,
Kami