What's in a Name...?

The title of this blog was a tricky one to come up with.  When an obituary is written it is customary to list the people in their life who are still here.  When Stephen passed away, I was listed as a survivor- with his children, parents, brothers, and their wives.  I think the list should have included anyone he came in contact with because if you knew him, you were his friend and after you'd left him: you were never the same. Unfortunately obituaries are costly and in order to list everyone we would have had to be millionaires, which we are not.
This blog is primarily for the purpose of expressing the thought processes that I've been having in working through the hardest moment in life that I think anyone has to come through- the death of someone they love. In talking with a lot of people, I don't think it matters whether you've lost a child, a parent, a spouse, a friend- the hole that is left in their leaving is the hardest part.  It is the missing that is mind-numbing at times.

A person that I'm meeting with has asked me to write about the day that Steve passed away.  I've tried at least a dozen times to write it out, but I don't think I'm quite ready yet.  It keeps getting stuck in my fingers, in my mind, and the scream that never came out that day is also caught there.  All sorts of things, ideas; just stuck.
This will stand as a record as to how we've managed to work through that day, month, this year.  I don't think it will be pretty, but it will be honest.  Even as I'm writing this my first instinct is to never publish it or make it public, because there are so many out there that would choose not to share this type of sorrow or pain or even the process through it all.  I've done this once before with my family's journey through cervical cancer and how we survived that.  I'm only still here because of the love of a good man and what he saw in me and helped me to see in myself.  So to those that are mortified that I'm opening this up- I'll apologize once.  Please don't read this if it makes you angry, because I think it will actually help me to be free. I'm sorry if that hurts you in the process.
To my beautiful boys, hopefully this will someday give you insight into what I was thinking during those times when I just couldn't bring myself to tell you, when you'd ask me.  Please know that I love you- more than life itself and I am so proud of you in every capacity that you are.
If you've read it through to this point- thank you.  If you're waiting for me to get on with it, I promise that I will but I just wanted anyone and everyone to know what was in a name.....more specifically what is in the name of the blog.
I am surviving McKane and someday I hope to do more than just survive.

All my love,
Kami