Moving Forward......

By Taking Baby Steps.

I recently went on a date.  It seems a bit silly to even use the word "date," but that's what happened. To add to the silliness- I really liked it.  We met at a public location, ate dinner, and then walked around the Gilbert Temple grounds here in Arizona.  It was awkward, and nice, and lovely, and made me smile quite a bit.  I liked the whole evening very much.

I realized a couple of things as I've had time to reflect on this process:
1. I'm not moving on, I'm moving forward and
2. I'm still here.

For the longest time I would find myself coming home each day to love my children, and rejoice in their joy while struggling to find joy in the life I was living.  What a waste I was making of the life I'd been asked to live.  What a gift it was to wake up in the morning, to breathe in and out, to have a job where I work with people I enjoy and youth who kept me thinking! What a gift I have been given to know love the way I do- and to be able to recognize it when I see its beginnings and feel it begin again.

The small snapshots of time when I feel guilty for laughing with someone else, or wanting to share my day's stories with another person have started drifting into oblivion.  I realize each day that Steve loved this life, loved the opportunities given and even rejoiced in the trials that had to be overcome. Why should I do anything less?  There have been moments when I have worried about what others would think.  I've come to realize that there is no timeline on grief, or even on life.  We are each asked to do our very best and one day I woke up no longer satisfied with being alone, and missing having someone to share this life with.  It was then that the last remnants of the fog lifted and have not come back.

So, I'm not moving on.  To move on makes it sound like I'm leaving this life that I've built.  That I've packed it away never to be looked at again- but that's not it.  I am part of this life that we've built together.  All that I am and will be has been touched, shaped and created by the experiences that have brought me to this point.  You don't just leave that behind.  Instead it is lovingly placed in the quiet of your heart to be taken out and reflected upon when new joys come and new trials appear.  So I have it tucked away in a special place and am moving forward with it securely placed forever in my heart.

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Last of all- I'm still here.  On October 8th, 2013, you could have placed me alongside my sweet husband and I would have been perfectly content to be done with the next sunrise.  It was as though my spirit had lost the will to fight for the life's experience still yet to come.  In the past 6 months that spirit has stretched, yawned and zipped back into existence and I've realized what everyone around me has known all along- I didn't die.  Instead I took a step back, reevaluated my purpose and place in this life and have now recognized the job at hand.  I have to live so that my sons will understand the legacy they are; and know that they are never alone in this life.  Neither am I, and neither are you.

The next few posts will probably bring some growing pains and tentative movements beyond baby steps, to toddler steps to possibly even running towards embracing this life again.  As that happens, I'll share with you the 'hows' and possibly even the 'whys' though the 'whens' are still hard to determine as each soul much work through finding their purposes at different moments in time.

All my love,
Kami