Learning to Live Again....

When I was in Utah this summer I ran into a wonderful woman who began the walk I'm currently walking nearly a year before I did.  She said something that really struck me.  She said that music spoke more to her now than it had ever before.  I couldn't agree more.
Just after Coach had passed away, I was brought to my knees with the gut wrenching grief of missing him.  I just wanted to know that he missed me, still loved me, still thought of me.  As I was kneeling upon my tile floor Jon Legend's song "All of Me" came on.  If you've never heard it before, it details the love between Jon and his wife and the love they have for each other; all their idiosyncrasies, joys and all that goes into the middle of a love that deep that it inspires music to be written.
It was an answer to prayers.
Lately the music has been quiet.  Songs come and go on the radio.  I hear music in church and it doesn't reach me.  I feel as though I may be dying inside.  The numbness has worn off and I typically feel everything so raw- not lately though.  I'm not sure why.
I am lonely.
I'm sure this will pass as well. I hope this will pass as well.
There is such joy, safety, happiness, peace in sharing your life and being half of a whole.
This feeling won't last forever.  I know that it won't, and I can recognize that it is real in this moment.
I opened my arms wide open, chose life, and now I get to live with that choice.  I took his ring off from around my neck- it was choking me, not literally.  I've worn it since it was handed to me by the medical examiner in the emergency room.  It was the first symbol that meant he wasn't coming home ever again and the weight of it all was making it increasingly harder to stand, to choose life, to live.  I tried taking my wedding ring off, because now when I fill out forms it requires that I check the 'widow' or 'single' box, because I can no longer claim that I am married in this life, though I know I am in the life to come.

I put the ring back on.  It is a symbol of a promise that I have made and will continue to keep.  It is a strength to me, and so I waiver between needing the strength from a small symbol of eternity, and wanting so desperately to be strong enough to stand without it.
In the words of Garth Brooks from his song "Learning to Live Again" - "This learning to live again, is killing me." Again, not literally, but man this process is slow, arduous, painful, and with small moments of joy.  Thank you for coming along on this journey with me.
All my love,
Kami