Disciplining -or- raising our children with a united front.
It has been difficult to the extreme. However, on a scale of one to ten for what my husband and I have been through in this lifetime- it's probably ranked at a 4, and that's only because of the emotional fallout.
Parenting, even in a traditional household, comes with snares and pitfalls. If you consider the fact that you have two individuals who are from separate homes and backgrounds, who in our culture are typically younger, then you throw in a few children and expect said individuals to raise those children in a healthy and loving environment- all the time....well.....it is possible, but not always perfect. Now compound that with two individuals, who have been raising children in a relationship, while growing up together, and figuring out said snares and pitfalls and learning to raise children in step with one another; anticipating each other's needs- but then suddenly find themselves grieving, having to adjust to another relationship and new children (who have been raised with the same guiding principles, but with differing personalities)..........................there are bound to be a few:
To be quite frank the biggest mistake I made with my children was giving them everything after Stevie died in hoping that it would fix their broken hearts and assuage the guilt I felt for being the one left here, when Steve was so much more patient with our children and so much more adventurous. He was their joy and suddenly he was gone- so I gave, and gave and gave. This did far more damage than any other mistake I may have made. Rules that had always been hard and fast suddenly became negotiable and loose. Strict adherence to principles that had always been in place became more than I could manage and the result has been 18 months of trying to reign in what was done in 6, following Steve's death. I wish I could go back and undo what I've done, but as the saying goes, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." So we live and learn, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this scenario is probably more prevalent than parents in grieving households like to admit. It is truly amazing how quickly our children adapt to new rules (or the lack thereof) and how quickly they become children that we don't even know sometimes.
Please don't misunderstand me, most days are a delightful walk down easy-peasy lane. We allow one another to take the lead with said individual children. He governs, and guides his, while I govern and guide mine. It is bliss. It is easy. Sometimes it is lonely, but only when I've taken my youngest back into his bedroom for the fourth time in the same day and asked him to please treat others better, calm down, or stop using such thick sarcasm to which he replies, "Oh! Okay," with a massive eye roll.
This is not new to my life. When parenting with my late husband, mealtime circus acts would occur often and would conclude with my firm and possibly loud plea to, "Please engage!!!" which was then followed by a child being plucked from his dinner chair and speedily taken into the other room. In short, parenting has never been a walk in the park 100% of the time.
In our current home it is complicated further by a house filled with healing hearts, several children at various stages of grief, teenagers working on figuring out their place in the world, parents figuring out their first year of marriage (AGAIN) and everything else that life throws at a typical family. Sometimes my heart yearns for the natural parenting that occurred when it was Steve and I. With a little bit of self-reflection the yearning comes from a place of familiarity, which came from having time to grow and figure it out together. This is exactly what is happening now with Eric and me.
And so the question remains: how do we get on the same page? How do we gently guide our children towards choices that will help them be successful adults, who understand their place in the world and appreciate all that they've been through; trials included? I have to be honest here- there are days where I feel like my head will explode with the lack of responsible actions that are occurring and the selfish desires that are running rampant. On the flip side there are days where I want to run to the highest mountain and proclaim my joy for the selfless service that I see and the gratitude that has been expressed freely.
We've been counseled to let each other lead out with our separate broods of kids and it is what our current tactic has been. What I appreciate more than anything else is that we don't keep secrets from each other. We have found that life runs much more smoothly when we're fully aware of what's going on with our children- collectively. We are attempting to become better at counseling together when any of our kids are struggling so that we can figure out the best possible solution- it also helps to keep the eyebrow raising to a minimum when we're fully aware of everything going on.
So I guess my suggestions for parenting in blended families are these:
1. Recognize that it won't be rainbows and butterflies all the time. (There's nothing wrong with accepting that it will be challenge).
2. Put your marriage first. This just means 100% honesty and transparency with any household issues/situations.
3. Love and pray for each others' kids until there is no degree of separating in your heart.
4. Allow each other to lead out with your own children, and be supportive (in front of the kids) no matter what. It's okay to disagree with parenting styles, but not in front of the family.
5. Take a step back as needed, and realize that everything worthwhile takes time.
Good luck with loving, praying for and guiding your families. Hopefully someday soon we can look back on these moments with a sense of accomplishment for who our children have become.
Much love,
Kami
