Mother's Day Reflections

As I was showering this morning, I happened to take the time to stare off into space and reflect on the upcoming Mother's Day. I time traveled as the hot water steamed up the glass and suddenly I was back in Arizona.
It was the morning of my very first Mother's Day as a mother.  Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be a bit of an anxiety case over working through any firsts.  I had paid careful attention in the past to how other mothers behaved on this blessed day of remembrance but had little faith in my ability to carry it off with grace and gratitude.  Parker was only 10 months old.  What did I know about being a mother? Okay- yes I had kept him alive that long and he seemed relatively well adjusted to the world on the outside of my belly.  He was strong and delightful, he was very smart and receptive.  He was a masterpiece that I had had a hand in creating, but I still felt inadequate, and small compared to the other magnificent women who had come before me and claimed the title of 'mother.'

There I was 13 years ago in a shower much like the one I was currently standing in- feeling much like I did this moment as the same day approaches yet again- inadequate and humbled. Caught between knowing who I am and wishing I was more.  That dreadful feeling of never measuring up to anyone else or running a race that you will never be able to win.
I recalled Steve coming into the bathroom as I was finishing up my make-up and checking my hair for the last time before I wrestled Parker into his church clothes.  Steve was all smiles and sunshine, which left me further distraught! Of course, he was chipper- he wasn't buckling under the stress of centuries of perfect Mother's Days and their perfect examples of mothers.  Our eyes met in the mirror as he stood behind me and whispered softly into my ear, "Happy Mother's Day to the most beautiful mom I've ever seen. Thank you for our son."  I did what any good woman would do- I burst into tears and began to blubber about the pressure and the stress.  I lost myself in the downward spiral of my own personal 'feel-bads' and when I finally came up for air he scooped me up into his arms and sat him on his lap on our bed.
He quietly told me that nothing I had said was what he saw in me.  "In you," he said "I see strength and determination.  I see a lady trying very hard to help her husband and keep our son happy.  I see someone who may not have all the answers, but will try very hard to find them.  I see a fighter, and a lover, a warrior and a saint.  I see you, Kami, and I am in awe of who you are."  I remember every word even now, 13 years later.  He saw in me someone that I wasn't acquainted with, but desperately wanted to know.
We walked together down the hall and got our sweet son dressed, then stopped for a moment in the kitchen where Steve took out a yellow rose corsage that he had a lady in our church make for me.

His eyes lit up as he pinned it on me and he said on our way out the door, "Thank you for being my wife and the mother of our children."  I looked wryly up at him and replied, "Children? We only have one- child- and I'm already this crazy.  How on Earth will I handle more?"  He answered back, "It's not about the job here on Earth, Kami, it's about our legacy in the eternities.  That's how we'll handle them as they all come."
It really is about the eternities.  Eternal families, forever sealed to one another through a true and everlasting covenant.  It's about more that just me, more than just Steve, it's about all of us working towards the goal of forever.
I wore the corsage that day, quite humbled by it as though it were a badge of honor.  I let all the sweet children that wanted to smell it- do so.  Parker played with it as he quietly fell asleep on my lap, and I felt proud to be counted among those who knew their job and would do it to the best of their ability.  I've been made stronger through that simple conversation on a bright, shiny, Mother's Day morning and am thankful for the opportunity to remember it all these years later though the giver of this perfect wisdom is no longer by my side.

Make no mistake- I still fall short and slip into my own brand of crazy on a regular basis.  I also maintain a better understanding of the purpose of this life through sweet memories such as that one. The struggle is real.  The struggle to remember whose we are and what we are meant to do.  I am blessed this sweet Mother's Day to have four wonderful women to look up to as examples of womanhood and all that is good in this world.  Though the process of finding all of them has been long, difficult and grief-ridden, I am forever grateful that I've been allowed to be a part of their lives as they have made everlasting impacts in mine.

To all women everywhere- thank you.  Thank you for your patience, and longsuffering.  Thank you for your gentle words of encouragement and strength.  Thank you for rising above what the world wants you to think is acceptable and maintaining the ability to nurture and find joy in common everyday moments.  Thank you for your example of what true warriors look like and what fierce loyalty can do.  Thank you for changing my life and allowing me to remember just what this life is all about in your every day acts of service.  Thank you for being enough- now just remember that you are.

Much love,
Kami