Gratitude.....

Sometimes in all the chaos of daily life, it's hard to remember to be grateful. Life gets heavy and hard and tiresome and too much- and it is also always beautiful.

Beautiful in a way that friends who haven't seen each other for years can pull together because a classmate has been in an accident. Beautiful that as a mother asks for the community to pray for her child, not a moment can pass before the prayers begin. Beautiful that it in my darkest hours Heavenly Father sent one angel after another to offer comfort, grace, and mercy, understanding and hope. Life is truly beautiful.

This doesn't mean that you or I have a set quota of hardships to be endured. Absolutely not. The harder you fight, the harder life gets.  The more you strive for greatness the further you may find yourself from gratitude, because we need to always remember. Remember that on our best days, someone may be experiencing their worse. Remember that just as angels came for me- I know they will come for you.  Remember to be grateful for the trials and when the joy comes, as it always comes, be quick to be grateful for that as well.  Remember that the very fact your heart beats and you have the opportunity to be someone's angel is reason enough to be grateful.

So I'm off to climb into bed. To lay next to another sweet fella that snores and be grateful for that. The first night I heard his heart beating in the quiet, I wept with gratitude for a sound I thought I would never hear again in my lifetime. Sure it's a different beat but it is in the act of motion- it is life and for that I am grateful.

All my love,

Kami

Sometimes Life is Messy......

Three years ago I never thought I'd find myself here.  In fact, never in my wildest dreams did I ever envision that I would be a widow at 35, remarried by 37 and attempting to figure out how life is supposed to work from this angle.
It is T-O-U-G-H.
It is a good tough at times.  You know, the kind that causes you to stretch, grow, become something....more.  Anytime you are attempting to change, it's going to be hard.  It has to be hard. Otherwise, everyone could do it.  I'm not everyone and neither are you.
I don't think that Eric or I had any idea just how difficult this would be.  The bottom line is that love cannot be forced and acceptance doesn't come easy.  Both of which I thought I had some control over- I'm learning more and more that I can only control myself and for a control freak that is hard to swallow.  Each day is it my prayer that I can be who all of our children need me to be, and love each of them as they need to be loved.  Each day I fall short.  Each day that is OK.
This causes my noggin' to drift back three years to when it all was so much smoother.  When you marry and have children with someone and have a good, somewhat healthy relationship; everything seems to find its rhythm.  When you walk side by side with someone for so long you learn to anticipate their reaction, their needs, their way of handling the outlandish.  In our home, now, we're all still learning the steps to this dance.
I think we've all figured out how to love each other, we just haven't figured out how to freely express it and that hesitancy tends to cause gaps.  Please don't misunderstand- I wake up each day happy to have the life I have, happy at a second chance at this life, happy that my kids are happy and at peace with the decisions I've made that have lead me here.
I wish I was better at embracing the moment.  One of the many regrets I had after losing Stevie was that I hadn't lived in the moment better.  I watched from the window, instead of dancing in the rain. Gaps, gaps, gaps.  Endless gaps.  If I allow myself, I think back to those moments and where there are gaps, I insert myself and the whole memory is cast in a golden hue.  It becomes whole.  When I find myself watching as gaps form in my life now, I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm still allowing this to happen.  I thought I had learned my lesson.
SO- this will be my goal for a while.  To stop the gaps from happening.  To embrace the now, and jump with my eyes closed into emotions, moments, love, myself.  I haven't been true to myself consistently since Stevie died and by neglecting this truth I haven't allowed others to know me as I truly am.  The fear of losing again, the fear of not being accepted fully as Stevie accepted me, has kept me from experiencing life in true color over the course of these years.
I will definitely keep you posted as to how this all turns out, because change is scary.  It's even scarier to embrace who you are and allow others to embrace you as well, but I'll try and hopefully it will help you to try as well.
Here's to a gapless life!
Kami

Tripping as we go.....

The #1 challenge in blending our family is...................

Disciplining -or- raising our children with a united front.

It has been difficult to the extreme. However, on a scale of one to ten for what my husband and I have been through in this lifetime- it's probably ranked at a 4, and that's only because of the emotional fallout.

Parenting, even in a traditional household, comes with snares and pitfalls.  If you consider the fact that you have two individuals who are from separate homes and backgrounds, who in our culture are typically younger, then you throw in a few children and expect said individuals to raise those children in a healthy and loving environment- all the time....well.....it is possible, but not always perfect.  Now compound that with two individuals, who have been raising children in a relationship, while growing up together, and figuring out said snares and pitfalls and learning to raise children in step with one another; anticipating each other's needs- but then suddenly find themselves grieving, having to adjust to another relationship and new children (who have been raised with the same guiding principles, but with differing personalities)..........................there are bound to be a few:

To be quite frank the biggest mistake I made with my children was giving them everything after Stevie died in hoping that it would fix their broken hearts and assuage the guilt I felt for being the one left here, when Steve was so much more patient with our children and so much more adventurous. He was their joy and suddenly he was gone- so I gave, and gave and gave.  This did far more damage than any other mistake I may have made.  Rules that had always been hard and fast suddenly became negotiable and loose.  Strict adherence to principles that had always been in place became more than I could manage and the result has been 18 months of trying to reign in what was done in 6, following Steve's death.  I wish I could go back and undo what I've done, but as the saying goes, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." So we live and learn,  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this scenario is probably more prevalent than parents in grieving households like to admit.  It is truly amazing how quickly our children adapt to new rules (or the lack thereof) and how quickly they become children that we don't even know sometimes.

Please don't misunderstand me, most days are a delightful walk down easy-peasy lane.  We allow one another to take the lead with said individual children.  He governs, and guides his, while I govern and guide mine.  It is bliss.  It is easy.  Sometimes it is lonely, but only when I've taken my youngest back into his bedroom for the fourth time in the same day and asked him to please treat others better, calm down, or stop using such thick sarcasm to which he replies, "Oh! Okay," with a massive eye roll.

This is not new to my life.  When parenting with my late husband, mealtime circus acts would occur often and would conclude with my firm and possibly loud plea to, "Please engage!!!" which was then followed by a child being plucked from his dinner chair and speedily taken into the other room. In short, parenting has never been a walk in the park 100% of the time.

In our current home it is complicated further by a house filled with healing hearts, several children at various stages of grief, teenagers working on figuring out their place in the world, parents figuring out their first year of marriage (AGAIN) and everything else that life throws at a typical family. Sometimes my heart yearns for the natural parenting that occurred when it was Steve and I. With a little bit of self-reflection the yearning comes from a place of familiarity, which came from having time to grow and figure it out together.  This is exactly what is happening now with Eric and me.

And so the question remains: how do we get on the same page?  How do we gently guide our children towards choices that will help them be successful adults, who understand their place in the world and appreciate all that they've been through; trials included?  I have to be honest here- there are days where I feel like my head will explode with the lack of responsible actions that are occurring and the selfish desires that are running rampant.  On the flip side there are days where I want to run to the highest mountain and proclaim my joy for the selfless service that I see and the gratitude that has been expressed freely. 

We've been counseled to let each other lead out with our separate broods of kids and it is what our current tactic has been.  What I appreciate more than anything else is that we don't keep secrets from each other.  We have found that life runs much more smoothly when we're fully aware of what's going on with our children- collectively.  We are attempting to become better at counseling together when any of our kids are struggling so that we can figure out the best possible solution- it also helps to keep the eyebrow raising to a minimum when we're fully aware of everything going on. 

So I guess my suggestions for parenting in blended families are these:

1. Recognize that it won't be rainbows and butterflies all the time. (There's nothing wrong with accepting that it will be challenge).

2. Put your marriage first.  This just means 100% honesty and transparency with any household issues/situations.

3. Love and pray for each others' kids until there is no degree of separating in your heart. 

4. Allow each other to lead out with your own children, and be supportive (in front of the kids) no matter what.  It's okay to disagree with parenting styles, but not in front of the family.

5. Take a step back as needed, and realize that everything worthwhile takes time.

Good luck with loving, praying for and guiding your families.  Hopefully someday soon we can look back on these moments with a sense of accomplishment for who our children have become.

Much love,

Kami

Nothing worthwhile......

is ever easy.

I have thought and rethought this post at least a bazillion times.  It never gets any easier. Tonight I'm just going to go for it and hope that it all makes sense.

Please keep in mind that I'm only speaking from my experiences and from what I've observed/heard, etc. 

When Eric and I decided to marry, we discussed at great length that we would have a combined SEVEN children.  His oldest is married and has two beautiful children of her own and a delightful husband.  They live in a surrounding state, but not close at hand- this makes blending a bit difficult, but not impossible.  Add into this a returned missionary turned college freshman, a future missionary who is working diligently to save money for her mission, a high school sophomore and my lot of boys and well......there is never an end to the stories to be told.

At first everyone was on their best behavior- even my lot whose ages range in the more immature realm.  We then slowly transitioned into summer chaos that was filled with fun family visits and adventures.  I'm not sure we ever got to a "normal" sense of our nuclear family, but I'm learning that normal is relative.

When the "kids" are all together it is fun for the most part of they all tend to divide out into their separate groupings when left for a lengths of time.  It happens naturally, as life events have been shared by some and not by all.  The immaturity that happens in youth tends to be a bit much for those with a bit more life experience and so drifting is the result.  I'm sure there are several psychological books that could be read as to how to force this- but that's just it....I don't want to force the kids to have a relationship with each other.  I would rather they choose that for themselves.  I have faith this will happen and with time it just may: I've seen glimpses of this and it brings me joy.

This brings me to my biggest fault- patience.  Agreeing to God's time in all things is easy when the road is simple ahead.  Taking a deep breath and allowing things to unfold is hard when you desperately love all parties involved and yearn for that connection.  I feel like I'm always tapping my toe in anticipation.

So we go through our days; trying.  Trying to get along.  Trying to let one another in.  Perhaps even trying to keep each other out.  It can be hard to know.

What I do know is this: everyone is trying to do and be the best they can in this situation for which no rules are written.  I can honestly say that I love each of the kids and adore the grand-kids that I get to call mine.  Time will tell how they chose to love each other, and for now that has to be enough. Unconditional love, prayer and patience is the key to all things worthwhile.

Always-
Kami

Finding Comfort

On March 21st, I remarried.  The man that I married had recently lost his wife to a terrible, degenerative disease called muscular sclerosis.  Their story is theirs to tell and so I will leave it be.  I will say that I married into a remarkable family with a strong legacy of love.

For the most part, our marriage has been met with great optimism and acceptance. There has been some lingering feelings that I feel are part of this journey that I feel are necessary to talk about.  I'll do my best to keep the tone of the this entry from becoming too heavy.

When Eric and I met I had no intention of marrying anyone.  In fact, during our first dinner together he looked so nervous and uncomfortable (more out of place) that I merely said to him, "Relax, it's not a job interview."  I was a bit wrong because that night turned out to be so much more.....

I had not forgotten Steve.  There were warring feelings of betrayal and guilt that kept circulating, but throughout it all came the feeling of correctness and comfort.  I chose to follow the more positive route, as I had already had 14 months of the darker one.  As the dates progressed and he came to see us more, as I went to where he lived- I realized one over-arching truth: when we were together it all felt so much better than when we were apart and he made me laugh.  Away from Eric the world was filled with teaching, masters programs, scouts, baseball, schedules, homework, dinner, cleaning, kiddos and very little joy.  I was lacking an intricate part of the whole scheme that made it work for me.

Not everyone is like me.  There are those people out there who function just fine and do so with grace, and strength- needing never to rely on another.  I applaud those who can do so with a smile.  What I found out about myself was that on the outside I was independent and perfectly capable, and on the inside I missed someone to share my life with.  Just because I could do it alone, didn't mean that this is what I had wanted.

And yet.......

Alone seemed to be the only answer if I was going to be true to my heart's desire to only yearn for Steve.  The human existence is such a tricky one.  I think Heavenly Father gave us two hands so that we could always be weighing at least two options.  On one hand: I would yearn forever for my Stevie and chose to never love again, and on the other hand I found myself entertaining the idea of loving someone else and seeing the world in living color once more.  How blessed to be given two choices.

I chose to open my heart.  This has caused some grief for others.

One thing that I wish people would remember when talking to, attempting to relate, or even wanting to engage in conversation with widows/widowers/survivors is: they are one person and the world is filled with people meaning well- who want to tell said person everything they are feeling, thinking or have thought about said persons current situation.  This can be so overwhelming to try to grief counsel, accept, listen to, entertain, or relate to what is coming from another person (times 100).  It is overwhelming and yet part of the process of grieving and also part of our journey here on earth: to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort - whether or not it is your own grief they need comfort for.

Since Steve's passing I've become quite thick-skinned and have even stopped crying when others are crying over my situation, mostly because I am used to the feelings that overwhelm others and have taken many nights in the quiet to let out what most only deal with when they see me or Steve's family out and about.  Life without Steve has been my 24/7, while others are able to push it aside until they are reminded.

This brings me full circle to the title of this post: we must find comfort where we can in this life.  It has always been my prayer that comfort be found in the close relationship I have with my Heavenly Father, and with those who love me best.  Comfort has also been found in Eric and his sweet family. Our paths of grief are similar in the loss that we've felt, but so different and parallel in the path that has brought us to that loss.  The choice I made to love again, marry again, rebuild my shattered world, and find solace for our boys, was made with the full understanding that others might not understand.  It was a choice I stand firmly behind- and have not regretted for a moment.

With that being said: we are not all on the same path of healing over the loss of such a remarkable man.  It has been challenging at best for those who didn't live close and see the transformation of my family as our new life was beginning.  This is not to say that we don't still have moments of bittersweet memories and sorrow- that will never end.  There are still times when tears fall silently down faces for a time that is over- for now.  We can all only do the very best that we are doing to make this life as full as the one that was....before- this goes for everyone in our situation.

I am sorry for the hurt that continues.  My heart aches for those that don't understand.  I am sorry for the pain that has been caused.  However, when I look into the eyes of my boys at night as I ask them how they are and I see the joy that has so long been missing re-emerging: all is well.  This brings me great comfort in knowing that we all must be true to ourselves and to the legacy that has been left in our stewardship.  Such is mine, such is yours, and hopefully such is that we may all find comfort in the choices we have been given to make.

All my love- Kami